Lost in the Woods
From: golden3000997
Date: Wed Dec 17, 2003 9:34 pm
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy] Where is everybody?
Dearest Jan,
I haven't even responded to your first loving
response to me and some of the conversations that I have been
involved in here. I just came home from seeing "The Return
of the King". Every muscle in my body and head hurts from
the tension of going through it all. I had a rather amazing conversation
with the fellow who sat next to me before the movie started,
by the way.
I just came home and I am loop-playing "May
It Be" from "The Fellowship of the Ring". I haven't
finished downloading the music from "The Two Towers"
and must work madly to get that and ROTK.
I came in and turned on my "little demon",
my little Gollum of a computer and hoped to find something to
sooth my body, mind, heart and soul and I found you waiting for
me! Out of the thousands of knowings and layers of reality that
lives in this story, one thing is so outstanding and speaks to
what you have given me about the Apple Tree. That is how we have
to come in a multitude of shapes and forms, different paths lead
us to and fro. We have to learn to recognize each other, no matter
what form we take, even the forms of our thinking. We have to
look for the common thread and not be sidetracked by the differences.
What good is it to argue about the Saturn or Sun mysteries or
whether we are Artistotelean or Platonic? What does it matter
if one is a dwarf, an elf, a man or a hobbit? We all have a role
to play, a task to accomplish and a burden to bear. Who knows
which of us will stand at the mouth of the fire? Tonight Gimli
the Dwarf turned to Legolas the Elf and said "I never thought
that when the end came, it would be with an Elf" and Legolas
replied, "How about with a friend, then?"
This is what I have said before about Lievegood's
book Toward the 21st Century - Doing the Good. What I took from
that reading is that it is almost useless to try to figure out
what is "right" because the good arises from what we
do - and we may not and mostly do not know if what we do is good
until we have done it.
I think you realize that "In the Absence
of Men" was not a permanent condition, just a respite in
my own personal emotional battles. Trying to anchor my sense
of self that so easily slips away.
Jan, I know that I am speaking with you in
an open space where others may hear. But this is for Harvey,
Danny, Mike and all, too, even though it is a secret. : ) I want
to share something I have never spoken to another person. This
is my deepest prayer, the prayer that I have prayed in my most
extremely anguished moments. I don't think this prayer has been
answered yet and I fear the day when it is answered, because
that day will be the most difficult of all yet I can't help praying
it. This then, is my prayer, "Please God, don't waste me!"
Understand, please understand, it is not arrogance. It comes
from knowing that I have been given certain gifts and asking
"what are they for?" Although we come here again and
again, we never come with quite the same bundle of gifts and
abilities. "You only live once." is true. We only live
once as we are right now. We will be something or someone else
another day. But today, this is who we are. So please, God, don't
let it go to waste. Put me where I can be of some use. I know
He will and that it is there, but I can't see it right now, or
many other times. I feel lost in the woods.
May It Be
Enya
(The Lord Of The Rings)
May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home
Mornie utulie ([Quenya:] Darkness
has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie ([Quenya:] Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now
May it be the shadow's call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun
Mornie utulie ([Quenya:] Darkness
has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie ([Quenya:]
Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now
A promise lives within you
now
...................................................................................................................................
From: Steinerhead
Date: Thu Dec 18, 2003 9:24 pm
Subject: lost in the woods
In a message dated 12/18/03 5:37:08 AM !!!First
Boot!!!, golden3000997 writes:
<snip>
We only live once as we are right now.
We will be something or someone else another day. But today,
this is who we are. So please, God, don't let it go to waste.
Put me where I can be of some use. I know He will and that it
is there, but I can't see it right now, or many other times.
I feel lost in the woods.
<snip>
Dear Christine:
I was deeply moved by your letter to Jan.
Thank you for sharing it with us all. In this weird world of
Synchronicity, your words above struck me at just the right time.
I thought for sure that I was destined to become a Waldorf High
school History teacher. Everything fell into place last year
and it seemed so right. For the first time in my life I _knew_what
I really wanted to do, not just in my head, but in my heart as
well. The challenges that I have endured since entering the training
have been many. Great upheaval has come to me, and a part of
me realizes that it is necessary. I kept trying to hold on to
the archetype (Christ) with my thinking, and thus far I have
learned so much from it all.
But today, I realized that I had to drop out
of the training. I was lead to believe that I would receive enough
loans, after making a substantial deposit, and regular monthly
payments, to cover my tuition for the next two years (about $13,000).
I have been inquiring about these loans since Sept. but could
not get an answer. Well, finally I called today and was told
that I was denied back in Sept. It took them three months to
tell me this!
Having two children in a Waldorf School, I
simply cannot afford to continue. So I wrote to the director
of the program (Douglas Gerwin) today and told him that I was
dropping out.
Studying to become a Waldorf teacher has been
my dream-come-true for the past year, and I did not come to it
because of Waldorf Education; I came to it because of Anthroposophy...
So please, God, don't let it go to waste.
Put me where I can be of some use. I know He will and that it
is there, but I can't see it right now, or many other times.
I feel lost in the woods.
Sadly
Mike
...................................................................................................................................
From: golden3000997
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2003 5:10 am
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] lost in the woods
Dearest Mike,
This is so hard for you. It is so terrible
because we don't know why these things happen. This is perhaps
one of the deepest reasons why people wish they were "psychic"
or wish they knew someone who was and could tell them. The questions
arise:
1. Is it the "will of God" because
He/She has something else in mind for me that I don't know about
yet?
2. Is it the "will of God" or my
destiny because I am "not good enough" to fulfill what
I thought was my mission?
3. Is it something in my "lower self"
that has created some sort of "sabotage" in this situation
that I don't even realize because it lives mostly in my subconcious?
4. Is it the power of the "negative forces"
which work to prevent the good; in this case, the good being
that I really am meant to do this thing?
5. If it is the power of the "negative
forces" am I too weak spiritually to overcome them?
6. If it is the power of the "negative
forces" and the problem does not totally lie in myself,
has this resulted because the part of the situation that lies
outside my personal control and destiny has been corrupted or
badly formed and the help that I need is not forthcoming? (After
all, we can't accomplish everything alone.)
These are mighty questions of destiny and
karma. I have faced the firey wall of denial many times and kicked
and screamed in the face of it. Of course, I can look back and
say to some of those situations, "Oh, now I see the good
that has resulted." But not always. There are those situations
that I still wonder why about and can't fully accept that my
life and the lives of others are better for not having done those
things.
I lived a "missionary" kind of life
in my twenties and had very off-beat and difficult teaching experiences.
A lot of it came from my own turbulent self. But I was "lucky"
in my timing, in a way. Life was cheaper then, one could get
by on really very little money in comparison to today. There
are so many things that I want to do now, but don't have the
money to start. I live paycheck to paycheck and am in deep debt
to my next door neighber (guardian angel) who gave me a really
substantial amount of money to survive on this summer while I
was out of work. I have had to learn to work as a secretary and
I am still in the process of being hired fully where I am. I
have been working as a temp and I was "supposed" to
be hired permanently after 6 weeks at $36,000.00 a year. Day
before yesterday, my boss told me he was ready to hire me (after
100 days) at $32,000.00. Of course, I am trapped into taking
it and trapped into being grateful!! The job market is such that
I can't just walk out and say "*$!* you". And I don't
even own a car or have a mortgage. I don't even have a lease!!!
Talk about a sense of insecurity!
I have even had to be grateful in this life
that I never had children, because I could not have afforded
them. Something's not really right about that, is it? How I would
love to adopt. I always wanted to adopt children, even when I
was a teenager. What is the biggest obstacle? Money!
I took a student loan in 1976 to help pay
for my Foundation Year. I was enrolled in the New York State
community college system concurrently. The loan was for about
$1,900.00. I was never able to pay it and it has blossomed into
over $6,000.00! The past two years, in my previous job, my wages
were garnished at 10% (about $200.00 per month). This also cut
into my ability to "get ahead" financially! It will
start again whenever I am in a job long enough for them to catch
up to me via income taxes.
I have had several experiences "applying"
for a "job" as a Waldorf Teacher where I felt like
a beggar. Ideally, one should not go to "apply" for
a "job" in a Waldorf school.
One should go as an honored guest as if one were to be received
into a family. A school should receive each "applicant"
as already a brother or sister, and the question should only
be where are their particular children or how can their particular
gifts be properly received. There aren't that many of us, you
know. I have had the impression from "established"
schools that they are so great, a teacher should feel honored
to be considered for a job there! Last
year, I inquired of about 6 schools and sent each a CD with all
of my articles, stories, poems and a full biography with lots
of pix. Not one of them has looked at the CD or given my any
response or feedback, even after I asked them to repeatedly!
Emerson School even insisted that I still send them a "handwritten"
letter because they "feel like we have met you when we see
your handwriting." Come on now! They haven't read my work!
What is going on? There is just so much ego going on - it's like
a brick wall around the movement!
I have a little treatise that I wrote about
the funding of Waldorf Schools. I daren't show it, because I
know that it will engender violent backlash. But I really believe
that we are going about this all wrong in the US. And that not
finding the right paradigm for the production and use of money
is our greatest "Achilles heel". But to present it
to the movement would challenge all of their set beliefs and
raise their "egos" for defense! And of course, the
funding for student teachers should follow
the same lines and the same paradigm. I will e-mail it to you
separately, because it is a really "subversive" document.
These are some of the main reasons that I
feel that I "don't fit in" with the Waldorf community
at large, either. I am fully ready to look at my own shortcomings
as a person and as a teacher and to have my fellow teachers say,
"now look, Christine, there are some things about you that
need improvement before we can take you in fully." But they
don't even look! They can't be bothered! It is really strange.
Did you see my writing to Joel about the lack
of hospitality in the Waldorf School movement? I am trying to
send these to both groups because I have friends in both and
the conversations involve all of us, really. There is something
really wrong. I am willing to say "maybe it's just me."
But then again, I'm not so sure.
Is this a manifestation of the work of Ahriman
in the money sphere, preventing anything that doesn't meet his
approval and Lucifer in the social sphere, making sure that the
Waldorf movement is saturated with pride disguised as "spiritual
discernment"? Not one of us, not even the wonderful teachers
I met in my youth, is a "perfect" human being or fully
developed spiritually. Even the teachers in the first school
in Stuttgart visibly diminished in ability, stature and stamina once Rudolf Steiner was no longer among
them in person. So I can't fully accept that they have the right
to judge who is fit and who is not to enter their "sacred
realm". Something else is going on here, and it's really
frustrating.
Come on, God, we need help! Show us our errors,
or else please send some aid!!
Anybody seen an Elf recently?
Love,
Christine
...................................................................................................................................
From: dottie zold
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2003 6:28 am
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] lost in the woods Not!
Christine
Come on, God, we need help! Show us our errors, or else please
send some aid!!
Dear Christine,
You do not have any errors. You are perfect
who you are and who you are transforming into. Why do you want
somethinig that doesn't want you? That is there fault. Create
your own thing in the face of this because this is what you care
for.
All the questions looking to, is it this in
me, is it that, in me are just fear and doubt against their reactions.
You are working on the things you need to be working on in the
time you need to be working on them. Just trust and have faith
you are exactly where you need to be. Don't question why, just
be there and figure your next move. You don't need to grovel.
You are amazing and I think its the Universes' way of getting
you to realize your inherent power and then utilizing it for
what you came here for.
You asked to be of service and it will be
granted you. Your heart must have always asked this and through
this we take many trials and tribulations and our present way
of thinking/feeling doesn't allow us to see it. Because we WANT
this and or that to have been or be. It doesn't matter if it
doesn't match up what the spirit came looking for, be very thankful
even if you can't see it. I don't think this means to be thankful
for pain and so forth rather be thankful that your spirit is
honoring your higherself than your lower self in this world.
YOu are very sad as are we all in rejection and it hurts like
a mother @$%^&* I know, been there and way done that. And
what I learned about these things are to ground myself and forge
ahead not looking back other than to see what I can learn from
the experience. I trust the reason of the spirit and I know that
is behind all. We are dealing with all that we are and forging
powerfully and humbly ahead. As it should be.
I took on a vow of poverty many years ago.
I have never had more money in my life than I do right now. I
was in similar situations regarding rent and car and so forth.
But now I decide to give my money away as fast as I get it. It
tries to keep a hold on us I realized which is why I am bereft
that they are bringing the Mastercard (interesting name) to Iraq.
I started out a few years ago downsizing my life after a good
friends suicide. I came to the place I now work where I first
began mopping floors and cleaning bathrooms as a way to get small
within myself. Through this act I took on a vow of poverty and
chastity. Now I am the business director of said place. I just
filmed my first short, shot two documentaries and am in preproduction
for a bigfish. I decided that it was only to God that I owed
my life. And in God is my self, my self in God, so I live up
to the highest ideal I can have of my Godself. That means I do
the things I like to do to make money. And you can to. You can
stay at that secretary job till you forge and create that which
you are longing for in your life. And you shall have it because
you so wanted and you so deserved. Now, what do you want to create
in your life that brings you money and happiness at least in
the idea of working to sustain yourself monetarily? You have
an amazing gift and it has been heard. Don't even doubt it. Ever.
The Victory sphere within the Kabala speaks
to walking in the energy of recieving that which you know you
have attained and so desired it. You must walk in the Victory
energy once you realize your hearts desire. And it is yours.
All My Love,
Dottie
...................................................................................................................................
From: dottie zold
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2003 6:30 am
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] lost in the woods Not!
Mike :
Sadly
Mike! What is your next move?
Dottie
...................................................................................................................................
From: Steinerhead
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2003 8:31 pm
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] lost in the woods Not!
In a message dated 12/19/03 2:31:06 PM !!!First
Boot!!!, dottie_z writes:
Mike :
Sadly
Mike! What is your next move?
Dottie
Hi Dottie:
I am planning to indulge heavily in some not
to dangerous bad habits for a while.
Mike
...................................................................................................................................
From: Joel Wendt
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2003 12:19 pm
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] lost in the woods
Dear Mike and Christine,
I think we have to make a distinction between
Karma, Fate, and Destiny. Karma involves recompense for past
or future deeds. Fate is what comes to us because of our character
defects as these unfold in life, and Destiny is what we make
out of life through our spiritual freedom.
Karma and Fate can lead to crisis, and then
we choose a path in the face of crisis that then leads to Destiny.
Most of what is "wrong" in the biography
is not about "opposition", but about being challenged.
Our phlegmatic nature tends for us to make choices and then get
in ruts - going to sleep in a kind of way. Not being in Waldorf
(which you both seek as an ideal), may actually save you from
some even deeper pain.
Paulina taught for years in public schools,
which may need you even more, if what you really want is to be
a teacher. She would be a good resource to help think about such
a change of direction.
Waldorf is in a lot of trouble. It expanded
too fast and basically diluted its "spiritual capital".
It hasn't been thought about carefully enough economically or
socially, being too focused on its "cultural" inheritance
from Steiner. The existence of PLANS is not so much the "opposition",
but is more the reaction of the social body in America to an
excess that is factually rooted in the shadow of the Society
and Movement. Some of this I wrote about in my essay: The Social-Spiritual
Organism of a Waldorf School Community, at: http://ipwebdev.com/hermit/ssows.html.
warm regards,
joel
...................................................................................................................................
From: Gisele
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2003 3:02 pm
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] lost in the woods
Steinerhead wrote:
In a message dated 12/18/03 5:37:08 AM !!!First
Boot!!!, golden3000997 writes:
<snip>
We only live once as we are right now.
We will be something or someone else another day. But today,
this is who we are. So please, God, don't let it go to waste.
Put me where I can be of some use. I know He will and that it
is there, but I can't see it right now, or many other times.
I feel lost in the woods.
~~~Christine, Michael, I have walked many
times in those mocassins in those woods. Don't worry, flow with
the tide: when the right time will come, all the pieces of puzzle
of your life will fit into place as if moved by a power beyond
you. Be patient and look for the signs.
I wanted to work with children in need all
my life. When I felt ready to travel to Brazil to work with street
children, I became pregnant. I said to myself: I will wait 'till
the time is right. Then I became a single parent and got stuck
in London and poverty for the following ten years. I realised
that my old dream would perhaps never come true, and adjusted
my expectations. I decided to train as a Steiner teacher (an
upper school history teacher, would you believe it Michael?).
After my first year of (wonderful) training, I dropped out. Why?
I had no money to continue.
I was in deep desperation, unemployed and
in huge debts. In the meantime I had placed my son in the local
small Steiner school, but I didn't have the means to continue
pay his school fees. When I spoke to the school bursar I broke
down in tears, explaining about my huge debts. I believe that
that conversation was the turning point of my life. I was at
the bottom of the wheel and, although at the time I wasn't aware
of it, that's when the wheel started to slowly move in the upwards
direction. The bursar (who is now a friend) told me that he was
concerned about my emotional state: I had kept my 'debts secret'
all bottled up, he was the first person I ever told about it,
and he said I should first of all seek a professional money advice.
I did, and with this (free) debt advisor helped
me to deal with the creditors (various banks). At the same time
the bursar contacted me a month later explaining that he had
to much work in another office: would I like to be his assistant
part time?
I accepted, and found myself working as assistant
of the assistant of the treasurer for the Anthrop Society in
this country. After three months, the bursar left, and I was
offered to take his place. For almost 3 years I worked there,
but in the meantime I was always without enough money to pay
rent and moving from flat to houses with a rhythm of 2 moves
per year.
I was also facing various problems on the
home front: my son had been changing various schools also and
had periods of long months out of school altogether. My job was
my only secure area, but deep down I kept thinking: why did I
end up working in accounts? It is all very well working for the
society founded by Steiner, but what has become of my dream of
working with live vibrant humans instead of sterile numbers?
In a sense, I was 'accepting' my fate, but without comprehension:
it didn't feel like fulfilling my destiny....
Through a chain of difficult circumstances
that used up my survival skills to the last drop, last summer
I finally decided: that's it! I had it! No matter what, I am
getting out of this monstruous shrimp that is sucking up all
my energies, dreams and creativity (London).
I told my employers that I just couldn't go
on anymore. I didn't know how I would do it, but a Steiner school
in another area of Britain had given a place to my son, and I
was going to move there. It turned out that in that same area
there was a college for difficult teenagers, founded on Steiner
philosophy. My employers liked the way I worked for them, but
understood my needs, and they paved the road for me to come to
work here (in this college) and keep working for them on a free
lance basis. So, without even realising it, I had come full cycle
to the point of departure: the wheel has done a full round: I
got what I wanted - working with young people in need, and with
my son with me!
To end this long confession :-) I would like
to offer another secret for you 2, Michael and Christine:
when I was 16, one night I had a dream: I
was walking towards the exit of the cemetery in the alpine village
where my ancestors sleep. I saw a tall man dressed in white surrounded
by a small group of young people, walking in my direction. As
we approached each other, I realised with terror that it was
HIM! Jesus Christ in person!!!! What should I do, what should
I do!!!!!! I felt so little and unworthy, I wanted to disappear.
I made myself very small as we were crossing paths, trying to
blend into the wall at the farthest side of Him.... yes, so that
He wouldn't even notice me, insignificant worm in the earth.
And when I almost made it, almost passed Him by, (of course my
eyes where on the ground) I was stopped in my tracks. He had
put a hand over my head, and... wonder.... He was speaking to
me!
These were His words
Very hard times are coming. You will find
yourself in great troubles, and sometimes it will seem as if
there is no way out, no way forward. There will be times when
you will feel at the bottom of the darkest desperation, and your
desire for living will almost die. In those moments, REMEMBER
these words, and know that, no matter what happen, at the end,
REMEMBER!, EVERYTHING will end well .
...I woke up suddenly and there was this warmth
over my head.... It has accompanied me in my darkest moments
and I know it will always be there. I wish to share it with you
with my best wishes.
With love from Gisele
...................................................................................................................................
From: eyecueco
Date: Sat Dec 20, 2003 12:15 am
Subject: Re: lost in the woods
--- In anthroposophy_tomorrow@yahoogroups.com,
Joel Wendt wrote:
Waldorf is in a lot of trouble. It expanded
too fast and basically diluted its "spiritual capital".
It hasn't been thought about carefully enough economically or
socially, being too focused on its "cultural" inheritance
from Steiner. The existence of PLANS is not so much the "opposition",
but is more the reaction of the social body in America to an
excess that is factually rooted in the shadow of the Society
and Movement. Some of this I wrote about in my essay: The Social-Spiritual
Organism of a Waldorf School Community, at: http://ipwebdev.com/hermit/ssows.html.
Yes!
On spot again, Joel, imo.
WE is in trouble, and much of this trouble has been brought on
by WE.
I used to have stars in my eyes about WE,
but, to be honest, since having spent a few years on the St.
John's list, and especially after going through Lisa Ercola's
problem off list daily for a month a few years ago until she
got Olivia out of the ... WE school, I have become somewhat more
cautious in my praise.
As you said to Peter at WC, there ARE many
good schools, and many parents and students very pleased with
what they are paying for, but, there are also problems in some
schools. And, there are things that just do not belong in any
classroom WE or public, such as the changing of handedness, tolerance
for bullies, invasion of parental decisions about food, talk
of the child's past life karma, etc. I am also opposed to the
mandatory farm trip around 2nd grade without full parental agreement.
Olivia was vert damaged by that experience, very damaged and
it was long term damage.
Anyone involved with WC knows what an enemy
WE made out of Lisa. :-(
So unnecessary.
I don't know about the "shadow of the
Society and Movement" being the issue. I don't tend to think
in that direction. I tend to be more pragmatic.
Maybe you are right, but, I don't see how one can really get
much mileage out of such arguments when dealing with the secular
mind.
I remember when I first started applying WE
monograms to my curriculum. I wanted my students to start each
class with Form Drawings because I knew these exercises were
good for them, but I certainly was not going to justify these
exercises to the student and parent on the basis that these exercises
were going help their etheric bodies finish work left undone
when they were sleeping!
That would have been nuts.
Additionally, if I could not provide practice _daytime_ results
then I had no business applying such a requirement in my curriculum.
What I could point to and did, was to explain that the Form Drawings
improved handwriting and body coordination that would show up
in improved sports performance, and it is true.
I came to believe over time that the From
Drawings were the most important thing I ever gave my students.
I know the students came to understand how beneficial these exercises
were because I have run into a number of them as adults who have
told me that they do the Form Drawings with their own children!
What better endorsement could you ask for
that WE has much to offer if a student in the 7th grade doing
five minutes of drawing exercises for a semester carries the
affects of those exercises into their adult life to the point
where a conscious desire arises in them for their own children
to be given the same?
(We applied the exercises in pretty wonderful
ways in art projects, too. There is a framed encaustic design
that hangs outside the conference room of H&R Block Headquarter
done by one of my high school students in 1991).
I think a lot of the problem in WE is some
of the teachers WE hires, and then also what is missing in the
teacher training. We are not in early 20th Century Germany anymore.
There is a lot WE can learn from the secular domain about classroom
management and also from information coming out of the brain
research that has gone on for decades, but, I see WE disinterested
and closed off from change. That is too bad, imo. I could never
have succeeded in my job had it not been for what I took up from
WE monograms, but, I owed my ability to successfully manage my
classroom from Ed psych and I can tell you, when it came to inappropriate
behavior on the part of a student the last thing on my mind was
his or her the past life karma. HELLO?
Steiner never intended for what were _indications_
to be turned into iron clad, carved-into-stone rules.
Now, when it comes to attacking WE on the
basis of Steiner being a racist, anti-Semitic, and responsible
for Aryan Supremacist thinking that is just total and complete
BS, and that is the reason I am on AT, to defend Steiner where
possible, and to point to where Peter S. is off base, which is
a lot.
I still feel bad about Lisa, though, and I
still think about Olivia, especially this time of year.
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