Open hearted listening
From: Michael Helsher
Date: Wed Dec 10, 2003 10:21 am
Subject: Open hearted listening
My wife and I recently went to a couples workshop
put on by the people at : http://www.heartworkcenter.com/
. Who teach a technique( among others) they call "open hearted
listening". At first this might sound quite simple, at least
that's what I thought... "oh yeah, I do that all the time"
I said to my self. Problem was that I was usually listening to
myself, with an open heart (sort of).
Indeed my engagement with Anthroposophy thus
far has put an emphasis on the idea of "heart thinking",
and so I set about trying to listen to what my heart would tell
me. In a similar fashion, I had done this for many years. It
was a necessary phase that I had to go through, and I did it
in ways that were not dogmatically connected to any anthroposophical
writings. Learning to pay some attention to my own inner life
came mostly from a twelve- step fellowship, but there were also
many different counselors over the years, and a couple of years
spent on a new-age vision-quest.
And though I would occasionally ponder the
idea of "do on to others..." I was, for the most part,
always preoccupied with...
Me.
So low and behold I start my foundation studies
and I say, "hey, I'm pretty good at this stuff; this really
jives with my inner-life experiences; I think I'm partially clairvoyant!"
(Of course we are all somewhat clairvoyant if we have the ability
to think). I devoured "A Philosophy of Freedom" and
made sure that everyone in our little Waldorf community new it.
However I was a little puzzled by the wide eyed looks that I
got from most people that I tried to talk to about my new Bible.
I would think... "don't you know that this the philosophical
foundation... "
So, a week and a half into my first four week
summer intensive of a Waldorf High school training program, my
marriage to my wonderful wife explodes. And there I am, left
with the most important person in my life...
Me.
I was lucky enough to have some wonderful
teachers; One of which was Dennis Kloechek (sp?). He gave a wonderful
talk on the basics of "A Philosophy of Freedom", but
he also went on to say that we need to consider also a little
book called: "Anthroposophy, a Fragment" (one that
I have yet to read fully), in which Steiner tries to put into
words, the problem of perception when confronted with the "
I " of the other.
So it's not just "not I, but Christ in
me"; it's also "not you, but Christ in you....too".
Sounds good but how do we do it? Well, I have
recently experienced the beginning of a new kind of communication;
a kind of communication that does not only involve (you guessed
it)...
Me.
My wife asks me: "Are you willing to
listen with an open heart?" In answering "yes"
to her question I am committing to putting myself aside and listening.
Sounds easy so far right? So she then tries to voice her grievances
in an objective way; being as honest as possible as to how she
feels. Still sounds easy don't it? But then she says something
like: "I was really hurt when you stopped working last year,
and we were broke, and couldn't pay the bills, or buy food".
Now the myriad of excuses starts to enter
into my mind..."wait a minuet, don't you that I was volunteering
at the school in hopes of getting a job? I did eventually find
work and we did get caught up; you also got the cleaning contract
for the school because of it...why can't you understand..."
"Me".
So I say to her: "You were really hurt
when I stopped working last year, and we were broke, and couldn't
pay the bills, or buy food". I continue to mirror her statements
until she is finished with other related grievances. I then validate
her feelings by saying something like:" I can completely
understand why you would be upset about being broke. You are
a mother to our children, and you need to feel secure about having
a place to live, and having food on the table."
As simple as it sounds, I can say that it
is not easy, and, like anything else, it takes allot of practice
to get good at it. But I can also say that there was a deep satisfaction
for me (and I will venture to say that it was so for my wife
as well) in being heard and validated, without being judged.
What a practical way to really put into practice
the idea of "living thinking".
So don't forget to "listen with an open
heart".
Truth and Love
Mike Helsher
...................................................................................................................................
From: Gisele
Date: Fri Dec 12, 2003 4:23 pm
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] Open hearted listening
Michael Helsher <mhelsher@ne.rr.com>
wrote:
So I say to her: "You were really
hurt when I stopped working last year, and we were broke, and
couldn't pay the bills, or buy food". I continue to mirror
her statements until she is finished with other related grievances.
I then validate her feelings by saying something like:"
I can completely understand why you would be upset about being
broke. You are a mother to our children, and you need to feel
secure about having a place to live, and having food on the table."
~Well done Michael, you cannot imagine how
envious I feel now! (Especially because if I don't feel secure
and have no food on the table I can only complain to myself,
so then I must listen to myself without letting myself taking
over and then reply to the complaining myself not from myself
out of work point of view but minding to care about myself....
ahi it's a bit complicated.)
As simple as it sounds, I can say that
it is not easy, as I was saying, I wholeheartedly agree, and,
like anything else, it takes allot of practice to get good at
it.
I will try...../
But I can also say that there was a deep
satisfaction for me (and I will venture to say that it was so
for my wife as well) in being heard and validated, without being
judged.
What a practical way to really put into
practice the idea of "living thinking".
So don't forget to "listen with an
open heart".
Truth and Love
Mike Helsher
Jokes apart, (it was true though) well done
and triple cheers
Gisele
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